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Parent Corner for Parents of Middle School Students

Bullying -  New solutions to an old problem
Bullying has become a problem virtually everywhere. Recent news reports tell of a father and son who jumped from the stands to tackle a coach for the Kansas City Royals. National magazines and talk show guests focus on cliques and how truly mean girls can be to each other. And no doubt your own children have seen, heard about or experienced bullying. Read more...
School officials understand the impact this problem can have on a school environment. More than a physical threat, bullying creates a climate of fear and makes learning difficult for all students.

Bystanders - The third party to bullying

Traditionally, bullying prevention programs focused on the two most obvious parties to the crime, the bully and the victim. However, new approaches now highlight the important role the witness or bystander can play in stopping bullies in their tracks.

In their book Bullies and Victims: Helping Your Child Through the Schoolyard Battlefield, authors Suellen Fried and Paula Fried write: "Though there is conflicting data about the percentage of children who are identified as victims, the majority of students...are neither bullies nor victims, they are witnesses to the bullying." Educators are hoping that harnessing the strength of these numbers may be what turns the bullying trend around.

Consider the following:
Bystanders are harmed by bullying. If students feel powerless to put an end to bullying, they may experience fear, sadness, anger, guilt or shame. All these can make learning difficult.

Bystanders often become part of the problem. With pre-adolescents, peer pressure and a desire to fit in will color most of the decisions they make. When confronted with the ominous question, "Whose side are you on?" many will side with the bully, which makes the problem worse.

There is no such thing as an innocent bystander. Simply knowing that bullying is taking place and yet not taking action makes the witness as much a part of the problem as the bully. However, standing up for others can take a lot of courage.
Helping your children take a stand

Encouraging your children to help prevent bullying may seem like a good idea in theory, but there are a lot of factors — fear of retaliation being foremost — that can discourage them from taking a stand. Here are some ways you can help:

Talk with your children about bullying. Ask them about what they witness at school. Keep the lines of communication open so that you will likely be the one they confide in.

Let kids know it is okay to tell. Make it safe for your children to tell you about the things they have seen and what bothers them. Although your first instinct might be to tell your children how to respond or, even worse, to downplay bullying as a natural rite of passage, try to listen and keep your responses neutral.

Help your child empathize with the victim. It is much easier for kids to turn a blind eye if the person being wronged is not a friend or is an unpopular student. Talk with your children about how they would feel if they or one of their close friends were in the victim's shoes.

Work with your child to develop strategies to help those who are being bullied. For example, if gossip is being spread about someone they know, you can counsel your children to counter it with the truth. The book Cliques: 8 Ways to Help Your Child Survive the Social Jungle by Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese includes suggestions for discouraging different types of bullying.

Enlist the help of others. Bystanders far outnumber the bullies. With children who are hesitant to help stop bullying, the aid of a sympathetic friend or two might make the difference.

Know what mechanisms are in place within the school for reporting bullying. If kids are going to feel courageous enough to get involved, they need to know there are supportive adults who they can trust to help. Talk with school social workers, guidance counselors or the principal about how students can safely report incidences of bullying.

The ugly face of bullying

Bullying can take several forms:

• Physical — hitting, kicking, stealing or damaging the victim's property.

• Verbal — using words to hurt or humiliate.

• Relational — spreading rumors, excluding a person from the peer group.

• Prejudicial — making racial slurs, making fun of cultural, religious or other differences.

• Sexual harassment — using suggestive words or inappropriate touch.

Bullying usually occurs between individuals who are not friends. The bully may be bigger, tougher, or have the power to exclude others from their social group.  Lots of kids joke around with each other. This may include name-calling or rough housing, but these incidents are not necessarily bullying. Bullying has three characteristics that sets it apart:

• There is a power difference between the bully and the victim.

• The bully intends to hurt, embarrass or humiliate the other person.

• The behavior is repeated-sometimes with others, with the same person, or with the same person over time.

Books and websites for more information on bullying:

For parents:

Cliques: 8 Steps to Help Your Child Survive the Social Jungle by Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese

The Safe Child Book: A Commonsense Approach to Protecting Children and Teaching Children to Protect Themselves by Sherryll Kraizer

What to Do...When Kids Are Mean to Your Child (What to Do Parenting Guides, Vol. 1) by Elin McCoy

Odd Girl Out: The Culture of Hidden Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons

Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence by Rosalind Wiseman

For kids:

Why is Everybody Always Picking on Me? A Guide to Handling Bullies by Terrence Webster-Doyle

Stick Up for Yourself! Every Kid’s Guide to Personal Power and Positive Self-Esteem
by Gershen Kaufman, Ph.D. and Lev Raphael, Ph.D.

Bullies Are a Pain in the Brain by Trevor Romain

Cliques, Phonies & Other Baloney by Trevor Romain

www.kidshealth.org (keyword search: bullying) This not-for-profit website organized into sections for parents, kids and teens offers a wealth of practical advice (in both English and Spanish) on a range of topics including bullying.

For permission to reprint this article, please contact the Capital Region BOCES Communications Service by e-mailing us at dbushsuf@gw.neric.org.

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