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Parent Corner for Parents of High School Students

Mean teens: The ugly face of relational bullying during the high school years
It used to be that teens feared the "physical" form of bullying the most - being shoved into walls by upperclassmen while passing in the halls or the infamous "head dunking" into the locker room toilet.

The good news is that teachers, social workers and school resource officers who work with teens say that repeated physical aggression is no longer the threat it once was. They credit zero-tolerance policies - students know that fighting and physical aggression at school are not acceptable and can result in suspension, even legal action. They also say that education on the topic of bullying has given teens a better awareness of the problem and can offer them non-violent ways of dealing with conflicts (e.g., using a school counselor or peer mediator to help them work through a problem).

Now, the not-so-good news: Although physical aggression has become less tolerated, verbal harassment and exclusion among teens, particularly girls, seem stronger than ever.

About a decade ago, researchers began studying "relational aggression." This is the way those in popular groups or cliques exclude others by gossiping, teasing and spreading false rumors. In her book "Queen Bees and Wannabes," Rosalind Wiseman writes that competition during the teenage years about looks, popularity, friends, boys, grades and sports is often what drives girls apart and encourages them to bully each other.

Like fighting among boys, exclusion and name-calling have also long been part of the girls' teen culture. But now, with technology like e-mail, instant messaging (IM) and cell phones, teens who want to be mean can do so at any time and with virtual anonymity. Out of a parent or teacher's sight, this type of harassment is much harder to track. Faceless technology can also encourage teens to say things that are much meaner and damning than they might say face-to-face.

Relational aggression can also lead to physical aggression. Today, girls are as likely to be the ones throwing punches as boys used to be. However, even if rumors and taunts don't evolve into hitting, they can make school and home (particularly if cyberbullying is happening) feel just as unsafe as physical bullying can.

What families can do to bolster teens against relational bullying
Here are some ideas to help bolster your teens against relational bullying:

• Reinforce teens' self-esteem/discourage the bystander mentality. When teens believe they are strong and capable,   they are less likely to go along with bullying or turn a blind eye to what they witness. They may even take the risky step of standing up for those who are being picked on.

• Keep the lines of communication open. Doing things with your teens that they like to do lets them know you care about what matters to them. When that trust is there, they're more likely to open up about things they've seen or may be experiencing.

• Use movies, books, television shows as conversation starters about bullying. Movies like Mean Girls, the recent Lifetime TV adaptation of the book Odd Girl Out and many fiction and non-fiction books tackle the topic of relational bullying. Check the Web site of The Empowered Program for book recommendations for young adults.

• Encourage your teens toward activities to help build their self-esteem and respect for others. Sports, martial arts, music and the arts and volunteering are a few good options.

• If you overhear a screaming phone conversation or your teen is agitated after checking e-mail, don't be afraid to ask what's wrong or intervene, if necessary. Just because teens say they don't want your help doesn't mean they have the wherewithal to actually handle a bullying problem that's out of control.

• Respect that teens' problems are significant to them. True, teens can be dramatic when it comes to their problems, particularly with friends. However, try to avoid dismissing what they tell you as insignificant - though they are likely to have much larger problems in their adult lives, what they are experiencing now is what matters most to them now.

At www.cyberbully.org families can download a guide that defines the language teens use, describes the scope of the problem and offers ways to prevent it from happening in your home.

For permission to reprint this article, please contact the Capital Region BOCES Communications Service by e-mail us at dbushsuf@gw.neric.org.

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